Friday, July 21, 2006


If you all jumped off a bridge I would probably follow!

Thursday, July 20, 2006


I've been having some weird dreams lately. Most are probably medication induced and I rarely remember much when I wake up but I do know there have been some crazy ones. Honestly, I don't mind so much. If I'm going to be dreaming I would rather it be something unrealistic or fantasy like. I wake up in a much better mood.

Take, for instance, the George Clooney dream I had last month. I'm not going into details but, in the dream, George was kind enough to say and do all the right things. It was a fun dream and when I woke up I was in a good mood because it was entertaining. There is absolutely no chance of any part of this dream ever coming true so I can enjoy it for what it is, pure fantasy. If I had it my way all my dreams would either be cast with complete unknowns or famous celebrities whom I will never meet let alone have any kind of relationship with. Seriously, dreams staring Clooney, Phil Gordon, or Starbuck from the new Battlestar Gallactica (did I just put that in writing?) are much easier to deal with than dreams like the one I had last night.

First a flashback. Picture it, I'm in high school and totally in love with this guy who is completely unavailable to me. We've all been there, falling for someone who is either married, in a relationship, just not interested in "that way", or, my personal favorite, gay. In this case, we were friends but he just has no interest in anything more. I started dreaming about him almost every night and woke up every morning feeling sad and alone. I knew that, no matter how much I wanted those dreams to come true, it wasn't going to happen. I had to go to school every day and see him. It fucking sucked, but not seeing him was almost as bad. All the dreams really did was keep me attached to him for a lot longer than I probably would have otherwise. The dreams gave me hope and kept the feelings alive. Again, it fucking sucked.

Fast forward to last night/early this morning when the new Mr. Unavailable (pick your own reason why he is unavailable because I'm not sharing that information) wanders into my dreams for the first time. I wasn't expecting it and I couldn't stop it. He said all the right things and I woke up feeling sad and alone. The sadness stayed with me most of the day but also caused me to really think about everything I've said in this post plus a lot that will probably remain unwritten, at least for now. One of the things that feeds my depression is the lack of a relationship in my life. Someone to really be there when things turn to shit and help me climb out of the pit. When I start dreaming of someone I know pulling me out or being there for me I would much rather stay in the dream because waking up feels like a punch in the stomach. They aren't really there and probably won't be, at least not in that way. Then I start to think that all I'm going to have are these dreams and there is never going to be anyone there. It just snowballs from there and every dream after just makes things worse.

I don't know that I really have a conclusion to this post. I'm still pondering things and wondering where this whole thing is going. Is it a familiar destination and should I jump off the boat now or should I hang in there because, just beyond the horizon, there will be something new? I think the answer will probably come while I'm asleep, I just hope I remember it when I wake up.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

How a Fucking Douchebag Kept Me From Meeting Phil

It was the moment I had been waiting for since the second I heard about it, Phil Gordon, object of my lust, had arrived at the Caesars Palace poker room. As part of the festivities before the blogger tournament, my wonderful twin had arranged for a charity Roshambo tournament to benefit Phil's cancer charity. Phil was going to attend and participate in the tournament to assure a good turnout and I wasn't about to miss it.

Phil arrived and started mingling a bit while we were waiting for the program to start. I was chatting with John, awaiting my opportunity, when Phil approached. John spoke right up, introduced himself, and started to kiss Phil's ass (he wanted to set up an interview for later in the week). I was patiently waiting for my turn to say hi when this fucking douchebag started talking and WOULDN'T SHUT THE FUCK UP!! He was going on about how he is a Full Tilt Affiliate (code: April98) and plays 12 tables at a time. He was monopolizing Phil and nothing short of a kick in the junk was going to get him to stop (and don't think I didn't consider it). Even worse was the fact that I could tell Phil was looking for the nearest exit. Seriously, this guy was fucking annoying as hell. I was trying to find a way to interrupt without violence or rudeness but it wasn't happening. Next thing I knew the program was starting and I was shit out of luck!

And that, my friends, is how a fucking douchebag kept me from meeting Phil Gordon.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I've Been Called Out

I have returned from Vegas in one piece but with no money. Basically every part of the trip that had to do with playing poker or any form of gambling, sucked. Actually, sitting at the poker table and meeting new people was fun, it was the fact that I couldn't win that was getting me pissed off. So, instead of a traditional chronological, and somewhat boring, trip report I'm just going to address things as they occur to me. First up, getting called out.

I expected a few people to give me a hard time about the fact that I haven't posted much this year. I even expected a person or two to question if I still qualified as a "blogger" but bloggers tend to be very forgiving and I was actually only called out by one person. I won't mention his name (but it rhymes with Ziggy) because he was a little drunk at the time and may not remember much about the conversation. He wasn't listening to any of my excuses and I can't say that I blame him. We all have crazy lives and we all have our own shit to deal with. I started this blog to talk about poker and all my other addictions. I also wanted a forum to share all the crap that is going on in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lately there has been a lot of ugly. I guess part of me is so used to telling people what they want to hear that I would rather not say anything at all then continue the charade because I just can't do it anymore. Everything is not fine and I'm tired of telling people that it is.

Truth is, there have been some very dark days in the past few months. There have been some even darker nights. Things haven't been this bad since high school where I spent most of my energy keeping people in the dark about what was going on inside. I learned how to tell people what they wanted to hear to get them to leave me alone and I guess, by not writing, I was hoping for the same thing here. I stop writing, you all forget about me and I'm left alone to wallow in my depression. History repeating itself.

Then I went to college and met some people who wouldn't let me get away with that. I was still depressed but I wasn't alone so it was easier to deal with. I felt the same thing in Vegas. Even though I was losing my shirt I wasn't alone. People included me in their madness and tried to take my mind off my bad luck. And it wasn't just bloggers who were there for me but the dealers and poker room manager Michael Matts at the MGM were all trying to keep my spirits up as well. They wanted me to win and be happy (next time a buffet comp would go a long way in making me feel better). I was losing but started having fun at the same time. It was a great feeling and one that I don't want to go away. I can't curl up and hope that everyone leaves me alone. The ride is about to get bumpy. It's time to hold on tight.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

It's That Time Again!

Tomorrow I leave for Vegas for the WPBT summer gathering. I so need this vacation. Between the 2 jobs and health issues I seriously need a break. That being said, if anyone catches me anywhere near a computer you have my permission to slap me upside the head. The 2nd job is all on the computer and if I am near one it means I am checking in even though I have told all my co-workers that I will not, under any circumstances, go near a computer or answer their phone calls. That may sound extreme but they have been driving me up a fucking wall! Make one tiny mistake and they are all over me, save their asses constantly and barely hear a peep.

Enough of that, no more work talk for the duration.

I get into Vegas around 5pm Vegas time and about 2 minutes after checking out the room, I will be in line at Krispy Kreme. We have Krispy Kreme nearby but not eating them in Vegas just seems so wrong. After procuring my donuts I will be awaiting Hella Shelly's arrival and we will be heading out to dinner, possibly with a few others in tow.

From there the possibilities are endless. There will be drinking, poker playing, and all sorts of other blogger shenanigans. I'm ready for just about anything but mostly I just want to hang out and get to know some of you better. Oh, and win a hour long private lesson with Phil Gordon.

See you in Vegas!