Thursday, July 13, 2006

I've Been Called Out

I have returned from Vegas in one piece but with no money. Basically every part of the trip that had to do with playing poker or any form of gambling, sucked. Actually, sitting at the poker table and meeting new people was fun, it was the fact that I couldn't win that was getting me pissed off. So, instead of a traditional chronological, and somewhat boring, trip report I'm just going to address things as they occur to me. First up, getting called out.

I expected a few people to give me a hard time about the fact that I haven't posted much this year. I even expected a person or two to question if I still qualified as a "blogger" but bloggers tend to be very forgiving and I was actually only called out by one person. I won't mention his name (but it rhymes with Ziggy) because he was a little drunk at the time and may not remember much about the conversation. He wasn't listening to any of my excuses and I can't say that I blame him. We all have crazy lives and we all have our own shit to deal with. I started this blog to talk about poker and all my other addictions. I also wanted a forum to share all the crap that is going on in my life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Lately there has been a lot of ugly. I guess part of me is so used to telling people what they want to hear that I would rather not say anything at all then continue the charade because I just can't do it anymore. Everything is not fine and I'm tired of telling people that it is.

Truth is, there have been some very dark days in the past few months. There have been some even darker nights. Things haven't been this bad since high school where I spent most of my energy keeping people in the dark about what was going on inside. I learned how to tell people what they wanted to hear to get them to leave me alone and I guess, by not writing, I was hoping for the same thing here. I stop writing, you all forget about me and I'm left alone to wallow in my depression. History repeating itself.

Then I went to college and met some people who wouldn't let me get away with that. I was still depressed but I wasn't alone so it was easier to deal with. I felt the same thing in Vegas. Even though I was losing my shirt I wasn't alone. People included me in their madness and tried to take my mind off my bad luck. And it wasn't just bloggers who were there for me but the dealers and poker room manager Michael Matts at the MGM were all trying to keep my spirits up as well. They wanted me to win and be happy (next time a buffet comp would go a long way in making me feel better). I was losing but started having fun at the same time. It was a great feeling and one that I don't want to go away. I can't curl up and hope that everyone leaves me alone. The ride is about to get bumpy. It's time to hold on tight.

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