tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-92322952024-03-13T09:33:40.470-07:00Feeding The AddictionAlso known as California April and April98. I'm just your average, clinically depressed, poker playing, TV watching, book reading, San Jose Sharks fan trying to find my place in this crazy world.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.comBlogger248125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-75790219662673258022016-01-10T10:04:00.000-08:002016-01-10T13:00:24.763-08:00Not On My Worst EnemyMy grandfather is currently a hospice patient in the comfort care room at the local hospital. He was first admitted to the hospital before Thanksgiving, just 2 days after his wife was admitted. He broke a hip and never recovered, but that tends to happen when you are 89 years old. He has dementia, a kidney tumor, and has fought pneumonia twice since being admitted. There is no getting better for him so now we wait and watch him breathe. Which breath will be the last? (Edit: He passed at 1:28pm, 1/10/16)<br />
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My step-father has just entered hospice. On Christmas eve 8 liters of fluid was removed from his abdominal cavity. It's called Ascites and, when it strikes, it means things are bad. Turns out step-dad has stage four pancreatic cancer that has spread to his liver, and probably some other organs. He has been drained of fluid 3 more times since Christmas and is now home with his own drain that the hospice workers can use so he doesn't have to keep going back to the hospital. He isn't bedridden yet, but I don't think it will be long and he probably won't make it to his birthday at the end of March.<br />
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These are the two most important men in my mother's life and she is about to lose them both. She is barely holding it together and all I can do is be there for her. I can't take her pain away and I can't fix her breaking heart. She doesn't deserve this much pain, no one does. Not even my worst enemy.Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-50781200139986182662010-10-14T16:18:00.000-07:002010-10-14T16:46:05.206-07:00OptionsI spoke with my attorney this morning, at an hour when most unemployed people are still asleep, and we discussed my options with my bankruptcy arrangement. To sum it up, they all suck.<div><br /></div><div>Option 1: I convert from a chapter 13 to a chapter 7. I lose my car but am able to add the new debt to the bankruptcy and get rid of it.</div><div><br /></div><div>Option 1A: Same as above except I pay what I owe to this date on the car, minus what the trustee paid, then resume regular car payments. I don't know what the exact figure would be but I estimate between 1,000 and 2,000 dollars are owed on the car to get the payments up to date. Also, the car payments are only about $100 less than what I pay to the trustee. </div><div><br /></div><div>Both option 1 and 1A come with a $700 attorney fee plus court fee of $25.</div><div><br /></div><div>Option 2: Surrender my......as I was writing this I was interrupted by my older cat, Punkin, having a seizure. It is her second one of the day which is unusual for her since she usually has them at night and rarely more than once a week or so, that I know of. She recovers quickly but, while in the middle of the thrashing about, it scares me. I've had her for 15 years, almost as long as I have been in California, and I don't want to lose her. I also feel guilty because all I can think about is "be okay because I can't afford to take you to the vet". </div><div><br /></div><div>While this incident certainly puts things in perspective, I still don't know what decision to make about my bankruptcy. Basically, in order to save any money, I have to give up my car. With no car, how do I function? I don't exactly live in a city with a good public transportation system and now I am thinking about Punkin having an emergency and me not being able to get her to the vet quickly. I can't afford my current situation but I can't afford to lose my car. I just don't know where to go from here so for now I am just going to hold onto Punkin and be thankful that she is okay.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-17586701633773236972010-10-12T13:42:00.000-07:002010-10-13T07:29:04.207-07:00As the ship sinksI just read the comments on my last couple of posts and, first, I want to thank you for your good thoughts, second and please be sure you are sitting down for this, I agree with <a href="http://sirfwalgman.blogspot.com/">Waffles</a>. The ship is sinking, the lifeboats are full, go down doing something you love instead of living those last few moments in fear and anxiety. Just like the scene from Titanic. The string players pause, realize they aren't getting off the ship, and go down playing their music. I don't think I fully understood that scene until now, I just thought they had given up, but they hadn't. They knew the outcome was grim and they made a choice.<div><br /></div><div>That said, I'm not going down without a fight, I'm just not going to work myself up into a panic or a deeper depression. I'm going to take things one day at a time and weigh all my options. The first option being converting my bankruptcy to a chapter 7, or at least discussing it with my attorney. I can't afford the trustee payment and I have debt collectors breathing down my neck, when you combine that with the little amount of money I'm getting from unemployment, I think I have a good chance of qualifying. </div><div><br /></div><div>I don't know if this will free up any money for a trip to Vegas, but it will relieve some of the pressure. Then, I can reevaluate and figure out how to make Vegas possible. Like the last couple of trips, I won't be eating in any expensive restaurants or buying much alcohol but I should be able to make do with whatever I can scrape together because, quite honestly, I need this trip. </div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-21877965166924889032010-10-11T00:31:00.000-07:002010-10-11T01:03:31.502-07:00Post ScriptI'm sure some people have read my previous post and thought, "why is she sharing such personal information. Does she want sympathy, pity or something else?" I think my reason for revealing my true financial situation is because I needed it to be real. It is in writing, others have read it, people know my situation, and I can't pretend it doesn't exist anymore. I still have no idea what to do or how to fix the mess but it's out there and I can't ignore it.<div><br /></div><div>I actually felt some relief after I posted it, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. While people have known I am short on money I think I did a fairly good job of hiding just how bad it has been. The fact that it is getting worse instead of better has to be dealt with before I'm in a hole I can't get out of, though it may already be to late. </div><div><br /></div><div>No matter what I do I can't get ahead. No one will hire me and any money I earn from Mystery Shopping or other freelance work has to be reported to unemployment, at least legally. What that means is I get less in the unemployment check and really don't earn any more money than if I sit on my ass all day playing around on Facebook. It means I can't actually afford to go to school, unless I agree to a program approved by unemployment and even then I have to use that money to pay for it so I'm still not getting ahead. It also means that I have no business going to Vegas in December as there really is no money available. I can't justify the trip but I can't miss it either. My head and my heart are struggling over this and it is tearing me apart. I need this trip but I can't justify it. </div><div><br /></div><div>I keep trying to tell myself that if I can make some extra money I can go on the trip but honestly, any extra money should go to the debt collectors or in my savings to be applied to the bankruptcy. While Vegas is always good for my mental health in the short term, the guilt I feel over spending money that should be applied to the bills ends up making it worse in the long term. So, do I not go to Vegas and succumb to the sadness of having nothing to look forward to or do I scrape together the money, have a good time, then succumb to the guilt of spending money on something fun? Or maybe I pray for a miracle? I just don't know.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-13003782155374902432010-10-10T18:02:00.000-07:002010-10-10T18:34:45.681-07:00OverwhelmedI haven't written here much over the last year because I don't like to fill my blog with all the crap that is a part of my every day life. I have been unemployed for a year and a half, I declared bankruptcy at the same time I lost my job, since declaring bankruptcy I have incurred medical debt that is now in the hands of collection agencies and on top of that I have clinical depression. All are things I really don't like to talk about but are such a huge part of my reality I don't know what else to do. So, I bottle it up, tell everyone "I'm fine" and wait until the day when I'm up against a wall and can no longer pay any of the few bills I have left. It's coming soon, I can feel it.<div><br /></div><div>When I declared bankruptcy I didn't select the chapter 7 everything goes away kind, I selected chapter 13 which means I pay a certain amount of money every month to a trustee who pays the few bills it was decided I would continue to pay (mainly my car). Everything else was discharged, but every month, for 5 years, I have to pay a set amount of money that is almost the equivalent of one unemployment check. This leaves me with about the same amount to pay car insurance, medical insurance, gas, food, and a few other things I can't remember at the moment. Basically I am living on less than $1000 a month and only because my dad has waived my rent and I am ignoring the collection agencies. Last month I actually waived my bankruptcy payment (something I can do once, maybe twice within the 5 year period) because the money wasn't there. </div><div><br /></div><div>Now it is looking like I may not have the money for this month's bankruptcy payment because I have to wait on a telephone interview with unemployment regarding me taking 1.5 college credits. I'm not supposed to take classes without their permission and it has to be in a program that they approve. Unfortunately the one program I want to study, Veterinary Technology, is not one they will approve because it is a 2 year program and they will only allow the unemployed to take programs that are 1 year in length. It is a messed up system and I am hoping that since I'm not currently taking classes full time, I will be okay. Problem is, I don't get another check until they make a decision and if they decide I'm violating the rules, I won't get another check. </div><div><br /></div><div>This all leaves me wondering who in their right mind would still even consider going to Vegas when they can't even pay their monthly bills. This is where I become so overwhelmed I just about lose what little sanity I have left. See, Vegas is not a decision I make with my head, it is one I make with my heart. The anticipation of this yearly get together gives me something to look forward to and a reason to get out of bed. It gives me a reason to continue applying for jobs even though I never get called in for an interview. It is really the only thing left keeping me from giving up (I'm not talking about suicide but more about detaching from reality). If I make the logical choice, the obvious choice, what do I have left to look forward too? </div><div><br /></div><div>I really don't know what to do. Plane tickets are bought and a hotel is booked but I owe someone else for the tickets and can't, at the moment, pay for even my half of the hotel. Then there is food and a poker tournament plus other expenses that may come up. This is when I wish money grew on trees because I would pay off the bankruptcy, pay off the bill collectors and make my dad happy by paying rent again. I feel like I am drowning and just when I might be able to take a breath, something pushes me under again. </div><div><br /></div><div>This is why I stopped blogging. No one wants to read about my crap, not even me. </div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-84548258803004562142010-05-22T12:49:00.000-07:002010-05-22T13:03:59.185-07:00One Step At A TimeThe application for the Vet. Tech. program has been sent and my transcripts should be on the way soon but I still have an interesting conundrum to consider. Only 40 applicants get accepted to the program and, if they get more than 40 qualified applicants, they select through a random draw. I won't find out until after July 15th but I probably have to take 2 online introduction to veterinary assistant courses this summer that start in June. I hate spending money on classes before I know if I'm getting into the program but if I don't take the classes, they may revoke the offer if I do get a spot. Plus, I have to deal with unemployment if I want to do any sort of schooling. I was hoping to put that off until September, when the program actually starts but now I may have to deal with them in the next couple of weeks. Ugh...just when I thought I could sit back and wait for an answer.<div><br /></div><div>If I knew I was getting into the program I would probably take Chemistry this summer as well. It is one of 2 General Education requirements I have to take because it has been over 6 years since I had college Chemistry and I didn't exactly pass it with the requisite "C". I also have to take Microbiology at some point but they recommend taking Chemistry first. Since Foothill is on the quarter system instead of semester system, both classes meet almost every day of the week and for several hours on lab days. It would be nice to get it over with before I start the Vet. Tech courses but, again, it's a lot of money to spend for something I may not get into. </div><div><br /></div><div>I think I will probably take the 2 online courses. I don't think they will cost that much and the information will be good to have even if I don't get into the program. I just wish I had decided to do all this sooner so I wouldn't feel quite so overwhelmed by it all. Unfortunately I can't predict when moments of clarity are going to hit me and that is what really started this whole journey anyway. </div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-21137540423818171422010-05-19T13:34:00.000-07:002010-05-19T13:52:52.614-07:00I Have A PlanOne thing that <a href="http://wildvol.wordpress.com/">volunteering at the wildlife center</a> has done is reminded me how much I love animals and how at peace I am with myself when I am around them. There is something about feeding a tiny bird that can't fend for itself that just puts everything into perspective. Considering I have been unemployed for over a year, it feels like the right time to go after a dream I have had for as long as I can remember, getting paid to help animals. Actually I wish I had decided to do this sooner because an important deadline is looming, but hindsight and all that. <div><br /></div><div>My plan is to apply to the Veterinary Technology program at Foothill College. But, while this plan seems simple enough, I'm not sure it is as doable as I thought. It is a tough program, difficult to get into and even more difficult to stay in. The application deadline is June 1st and they only let 40 people in. Since they always get way more applicants than they have slots for, the qualified applicants get put into a pool and basically get selected by random draw. So, if I manage to get everything done in time, there is no guarantee that I will get into the program.</div><div><br /></div><div>The next problem is what happens to my unemployment if I go to school full time? Right now this is my only source of income and if I lose it, I can't pay my bills let alone pay for school. This means I need to find out about alternate sources to pay for school and try to find another source of income, like a job, to pay the bills. I've been looking for a job for over a year, I'm not all that positive that I will suddenly find one now and without a job or an unemployment check, I'm screwed. </div><div><br /></div><div>This leads to another issue, the vet. tech. program is 2 years of full time study. They don't want the people in the program to work as there just isn't time, especially in the second year when the student do clinicals as well as school work. It is made very clear in the application that if you have to work, you need to notify the people in charge of the program so they can determine if you are going to be able to do both. I understand why, with so many applicants they need to be sure they select people who will stick with it and succeed. Holding down a job plus being part of the program would probably be too much to handle for most people and I am probably one of them. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, where does that leave my plan? I'm still going to apply and, if I get in, start praying that money suddenly falls from the sky or that I can get enough aid to do this. I'll be seeing about the aid at the end of the week but I don't know if this is a program that would qualify for the re-training programs that are available. If it doesn't and I get accepted, I don't know what I will do. Of course if I don't get accepted, it won't matter. Still, I am really hoping it will all work out somehow. I just wish I knew how.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-11467120301770762622010-05-10T22:43:00.000-07:002010-05-10T22:49:53.936-07:00FocusTonight I was not a very focused person. Not that I needed to be but I can tell the difference between normal non-focused and completely out of my mind non-focused. I was completely out of my mind. At one point there was too much going on at once and I almost lost it. <div><br /></div><div>My mind still feels muddled but at least the house is quiet now. I'm just going to sit here a while and enjoy the silence.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-15346087372739555002010-05-07T22:34:00.000-07:002010-05-07T22:59:35.769-07:00"Have you thought of getting into writing?"It has been over 20 years since I have seen him or spoken to him and after just a few e-mails that was his question. I apparently have a "remarkable turn of phrase and a way with words" and he thinks I would be "kick ass at it". Interesting observation on his part considering our e-mail exchanges consisted of some harsh truth and complete honesty. I guess I do have a way of telling it like it is and not sugar coating but does that really translate into any type of meaningful writing?<div><br /></div><div>When I was young I liked to write stories. They were usually of the horror or scary variety, though I doubt they would have scared a kindergärtner, and really weren't all that creative. I'm too analytical to be creative or I would have probably gone into some sort of graphic art or design. I think at some point I realized that and stopped trying to be the next Stephen King. What I did notice was that I could write one hell of an essay on just about any given topic. In college I even had a professor keep a copy of one of my essay's to read to future students as an example of A+ work. I was proud of that essay but no longer have a copy of my own so I don't really remember what I wrote. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, what does this mean for my future as a writer? Absolutely nothing as I don't believe I have one but it has reminded me why I really started blogging. It was never about being a poker blogger or any kind of blogger really, that was just a perk. For me it was a place to express myself in any way I wanted, about any topic I felt like writing about but somewhere I lost my way. I started trying to hard and the writing suffered. It started to feel forced and I wasn't enjoying it at all. I'd start to think about writing something then get a knot in my stomach because I was afraid it wouldn't sound like me or it would be too boring or not interesting enough. I realized I was no longer blogging for myself and cared too much what others thought. Considering I have a large group of friends who seem to like me for who I am, that line of thinking isn't really all that logical. </div><div><br /></div><div>With all that said, this blog is going back to what it used to be, a place where I write what I want, when I want and it either gets read or it doesn't. People will like it, or they won't. It makes no difference to me. And who knows, maybe once in a while I'll write something "kick-ass" that has a "remarkable turn of phrase". You never know, it's happened before.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-46546597423204790522010-01-05T21:53:00.000-08:002010-01-05T22:06:59.653-08:00"Screw 'em!"Well, that seemed to be the consensus to my earlier thoughts. Actually, that was the conclusion I came to as well. Life is to short to care about what others think and the fact that some people may not like me is not a big deal. As I said, I don't like everyone I've ever come in contact with so I shouldn't expect everyone to like me. <div><br /></div><div>This whole thought process came about as I was thinking about some ex-coworkers who I thought were my friends but obviously aren't. I say that because one of them lives very close by and never calls, comes over or anything. Not that she ever did when we worked together but I kind of thought that was because we saw enough of each other at work. The other co-workers lack of communication does surprise me a little but we did have a slight disagreement when she tried to take some of my shifts away from me. Maybe she never got over it. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, from there I just started thinking about why I cared so much. That goes deeper and takes me back to high school where I never felt like I belonged. All I wanted was to be liked, not popular (been there, done that, hated it), just wanted to feel like I was worthy of having friends. Truth be told, I had some amazing friends in high school and shouldn't have cared about everyone else but high school is kind of it's own world and rational thought doesn't often enter into the picture. Hind sight and all that. </div><div><br /></div><div>So, to wrap it up, I had amazing friends in high school and I have amazing friends now. Everyone else can go to hell.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now, time to decide if I keep Bob Dylan on my mp3 player despite his lack of vocal ability. </div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-25935949434574020302010-01-05T12:03:00.000-08:002010-01-05T12:15:47.653-08:00Thoughts While WalkingWelcome back! It's been a long time since I wrote anything of substance on this blog but, hopefully, this is about to change. While on my walk today I decided to try something new, a regular series that I think may stimulate some discussion and possibly cause me to write more if a subject seems to be of particular interest. So, with that in mind I introduce my new series "Thoughts While Walking" (name subject to change if someone has a better title). <div><br /></div><div><ul><li>Why do I spend so much time thinking about the people who obviously don't like me? They aren't wasting their time thinking about me so why do I waste time thinking about them.</li><li>Why do I feel that everyone needs to like me? I don't like everyone I meet so I shouldn't expect everyone I encounter to like me. </li><li>I say that I value honesty but, if someone came up to me and said they didn't like me, would I really appreciate their honesty? </li><li>Would I want to know why someone doesn't like me? I'm not likely to make any significant change but knowing the reason may give me some insight that could help me in the long run. </li><li>Bob Dylan may be a genius when it comes to writing lyrics but the dude can not sing. He would not even make it to Hollywood week on American Idol. (One of his songs came on my mp3 near the end of the walk.)</li></ul><div>So, these are some of the thoughts. Most of them I did come up with some answers to but I'm interested in other opinions before I go into more depth. </div><div><br /></div><div>Let me know what you think either in the comments or through email if you prefer to keep your thoughts private.</div></div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-63484522065477224322009-11-23T09:30:00.000-08:002009-11-23T09:37:20.739-08:00Are you ready for Vegas??<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5hfDLDcBLzvOaUx2qSax5VJOPbcZTb6GznCmQJDgmMMgjtZj-RB42LMH7GoIY5q8x6aqCw4ZQlYxw3YNGfWaOCuIPM3ex6NCZ8RKISiEyeClsiaZ_c3VmfZzlGAzL1VWngzwytQ/s1600/058.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5hfDLDcBLzvOaUx2qSax5VJOPbcZTb6GznCmQJDgmMMgjtZj-RB42LMH7GoIY5q8x6aqCw4ZQlYxw3YNGfWaOCuIPM3ex6NCZ8RKISiEyeClsiaZ_c3VmfZzlGAzL1VWngzwytQ/s320/058.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5407354146740127554" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlgRJrAIfle4VkQS_tyEO5YDLBh4alO-UjneLB7fBPE9vt2ZdeIQ8dqXwjOPxA5iiWp-2Cfoy23kh2po_RiCNxHfbUkWYFWhtU-QUW_BpNrE1gwUT_oOJdkoNZ6XD4tI5omwvBVA/s1600/100_0017.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 238px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlgRJrAIfle4VkQS_tyEO5YDLBh4alO-UjneLB7fBPE9vt2ZdeIQ8dqXwjOPxA5iiWp-2Cfoy23kh2po_RiCNxHfbUkWYFWhtU-QUW_BpNrE1gwUT_oOJdkoNZ6XD4tI5omwvBVA/s320/100_0017.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5407354143132413426" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2i14DjsI0nqeu_6aDhmEEwzrWC5BCop_ovapeeWTgM8xaF3QtdghzXHT9bDQ_ClQxCFdxCQqajRvQhbxmIz9Th-tlkVH5OQkp4I6Xdhsd_vBMh8cHfsUxnfMB4PAeleDKiu2vCw/s1600/100_0022.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 238px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2i14DjsI0nqeu_6aDhmEEwzrWC5BCop_ovapeeWTgM8xaF3QtdghzXHT9bDQ_ClQxCFdxCQqajRvQhbxmIz9Th-tlkVH5OQkp4I6Xdhsd_vBMh8cHfsUxnfMB4PAeleDKiu2vCw/s320/100_0022.JPG" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5407354134199555266" /></a><br /><div>Yes, I know one pic has nothing to do with Vegas and another pic is sideways, at least I posted something.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-71685589166125576152009-04-18T23:35:00.000-07:002009-04-18T23:52:05.249-07:00Not The Way Things Should BeLet's face it, in a perfect world we expect our parents to die before we do. It's the way things should be and, truthfully, if we have to think about the how, we picture our parents in their nineties dying in their sleep of natural causes. Again, in a perfect world, that is how it should work. <div><br /></div><div>Some friends I've known since birth just lost their mother after a long running and very horrible illness. She wasn't in her nineties and she should have had many, many more years on this Earth. </div><div>It really isn't fair and please, no platitudes about how life isn't fair and god knows what he is doing or any other crap. It really doesn't make anyone feel better.</div><div><br /></div><div>The truth is that cancer fucking sucks and any god that allows that kind of suffering is a fucking asshole!</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-81936084087699987352009-03-17T13:04:00.000-07:002009-03-17T13:38:52.103-07:00My Last Bad DecisionLast December while I was in Vegas with the bloggers, I made it very clear that I was broke and lots of people stepped up and bought me drinks, dinners, and just really made me feel good and bad all at the same time. Good to know I had so many friends willing to help me have an excellent time and bad because there is always some amount of guilt involved in accepting people's kindness when it is in the form of money. Anyway, thanks to everyone who picked me up at the airport, bought me drinks or food, gave me some spending money to gamble, paid for a cab or bus ride, and talked me into going to see Steel Panther (definitely a highlight of the trip). I really appreciate all of you and hope that someday I can find a way to repay you.<div><br /></div><div>Once I got back to reality I had to deal with my financial situation. While I was in Vegas I had a plan in place and now was the time to act on it. In February I filed for Bankruptcy. This was not an easy decision for me but I had 15 years of debt accumulated and not enough money coming in to cover the payments. Plus, when you add in some not so wise decisions I made earlier in 2008, I was royally screwed. I'm not going to go into the gory details of the bankruptcy. I go to court on April 6th and, provided none of the creditors come after me, it should all be finalized by the end of the month. When you add that to the loss of my job at the hospital (it officially closes April 10th), lets just say my birthday month is going to kind of suck. So, to that end I made one last bad decision.....next week I will be in Las Vegas again.</div><div><br /></div><div>I know this is going to disappoint some of you as I really have no business going anywhere with my financial situation being what it is and I really have no good reason other than I need to get away one last time before everything hits the fan. Shelly got a good room rate and the airfare wasn't bad. I withdrew most of my Full Tilt money and should be all set for inexpensive food and some light poker play. I will stay away from slots and all other -EV games. I'll walk instead of taking cabs (except to and from the airport which I have managed to synchronize with Shelly so we can share). But, most importantly, I'm going to have fun and not think about the impending court date or my last weekend at the hospital or the news I got last week about a family member. Starting one week from today none of that exists until I get back from my happy place.</div><div><br /></div><div>Until next time....cut up all your credit cards now!!!!</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-84320038038137751682009-01-16T17:05:00.000-08:002009-01-16T17:15:11.567-08:00In A DazeI had hope that the New Year would be better, that I had hit the bottom and could only go up but, apparently, I was wrong. This year has not gotten better and I feel like the hole is just getting deeper and soon I won't be able to see the light at the top. I've made a mess out of my life and I no longer know how to fix it. While solving my financial problems will help, it won't be enough to get me out at this point. I'm not even sure medication can do it anymore. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I no longer have control over anything. It's not a place I want to be but I'm not sure how to get to a better place. <div><br /></div><div>I just keep falling and, when I think I've hit bottom, it turns out to just be a ledge and I eventually start falling again. There has to be a bottom....right?</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-20874549418189136932009-01-09T18:34:00.000-08:002009-01-09T19:44:17.558-08:00TV Rant - Grey's AnatomyWARNING: There may be spoilers, read at your own risk.<div><br /></div><div>I love Jeffrey Dean Morgan. He plays a hot dead guy and, let's face it, playing dead has kind of become his niche, but his storyline on Grey's has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! If the show hadn't yet jumped the shark, and I personally think it jumped when Meridith didn't die, it definitely jumped the day Izzie had sex with a dead guy. The thing is, I can't stop watching! I need to know where this crazy storyline is going. Is Denny there to take Izzie to the great beyond and, if so, how is she going to die? Will Eric Stoltz slit her throat or will Christina finally try to murder Meredith only to have Izzie jump in the way and get killed instead? </div><div><br /></div><div>Really people, why is this Izzie banging a dead guy storyline so surprising? Did we really take a show that uses the nicknames McDreamy and McSteamy so seriously in the first place? Sure it makes no sense, but when has this show really made sense? The interns don't look any younger than the residents. They've had explosions, floods, and a bunch of other tragedies at the hospital. Derek is in love with Meredith. Does any of that really make sense? </div><div><br /></div><div>Let's just enjoy this show for what it is, a guilty pleasure that isn't taking itself so seriously. Truthfully, there are enough serious dramas out there with Law & Order, CSI, Bones, House, and Ghost Whisperer (ok, maybe not Ghost Whisperer) that I don't mind a little bit of stupidity in my week. As I said, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is hot and I can withstand a dumb storyline to see more of his hotness. I just wish he'd change his clothes, that gray shirt is driving me nuts. You would think that if a dead guy could have sex, he could change his clothes every once in a while. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-56407871618095317342009-01-06T15:34:00.000-08:002009-01-06T17:45:08.397-08:00Estella Toby Jipson Eaton<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzjUJuTFxm69M7b1rXpvsc0QWLdqdoLvEouTncqvVR9_ZTdmGniOiwm89y_Lm-T9h_xr7r3EyOrXDj4Puu059-KdkSsE9JKmoQZsFmrS_i7-3n5SUSrCGenWhEfNGy-P8MAasyfA/s1600-h/cindy.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzjUJuTFxm69M7b1rXpvsc0QWLdqdoLvEouTncqvVR9_ZTdmGniOiwm89y_Lm-T9h_xr7r3EyOrXDj4Puu059-KdkSsE9JKmoQZsFmrS_i7-3n5SUSrCGenWhEfNGy-P8MAasyfA/s320/cindy.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288328681782684562" /></a>This is my great-grandmother on her 100th birthday this past April. A few days later there was a huge party with a couple hundred members of her family. She had a brand new dress for the occassion and seemed to have a good time despite being overwhelmed. Just a few short hours ago, this lovely lady passed away. I don't know the details but she was 100 so I don't think it's that difficult to figure out. <div><br /></div><div>I don't have much more I want to say at the moment. I'm still processing everything. I will say that I'm glad I got back to Maine for her birthday party as I won't be able to afford the flight back for the funeral. Anyway, it's probably better to remember her as she was last April 15th.</div><div><br /></div><div>UPDATE: </div><div>Funeral arrangements are in progress but she won't actually be buried until spring. There will be another service at that time and my goal will be to fly out to Maine for that.</div><div><br /></div><div>Apparently she knew her time was about up as, on New Years, she told one of the relatives that she wasn't going to need the TV anymore. She lost a son a few years ago and her sister about a month ago and it was just getting harder for her. It was her time.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-24188081120608394462008-12-23T09:38:00.000-08:002008-12-23T10:04:02.619-08:00Morning Walk Musings: Off to School, Part 1<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(61, 25, 87); font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px; "><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">This morning, while on my walk, I sent out the following twitter:</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><br /></span></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"Extra layer of warmth for walk today was a smart move. Still not as cold as when I would walk a mile in the snow, uphill, to school."</span></span></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I'm not going to whine about how cold it is today because I'm from Maine and I know real cold. I also know the second sentance of that tweet is actually the truth. For 2 years I walked a mile to school every day, no matter what the weather, and there was a hill I had to trek up at the end. Then, once I got to school, I'd have to wait outside with everyone else until the bell rang. I usually didn't thaw out until second period. I'm sure there are other people who can relate. Most schools had a rule that if you lived less than 1 mile from the school, they would not provide bus service. Here's the really crazy part.....I could have taken the bus.....my house was 1 mile from the school.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I lived in California during my elementary school years and, part way through my 4th grade year, we moved and I had to go to a new school. The school I left behind was really nice. There were small classes and everyone got along. When I started the new school I discovered I was in a whole new world. On my first day I was challanged to a fight after school. The girl later backed down because she decided she liked me. This school also became my first experience with "The Clique". Back then I didn't know the term "clique" but I could see the kids would divide themselves into different groups during recess. If you didn't know the secret "code" of the group, you weren't invited to join. I found the whole thing rather strange but knew I wanted to belong somewhere, I just wasn't sure which group would accept my code.</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 15px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'times new roman'; font-size: 14px; line-height: 15px;"><br /></span></div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-43678332081610617032008-12-10T19:24:00.000-08:002008-12-10T19:36:39.085-08:00Almost TimeIn less than 12 hours I will be in the airport awaiting my flight to Vegas. Although I'm somewhat excited, I'm also a little frustrated to be more limited in my spending than usual. Let's face it, me not having much money for these trips isn't new. One summer I left with just enough money for the cab ride to the airport after spending more than I had planned. This time there will be no credit cards to go to and only one ATM stop allowed for a tiny bit of back-up cash I'll have available Friday. The situation really has me less excited than normal.<div><br /></div><div>I may make one exception to the dollar menu rule, however, for a trip to the Hofbraus, provided the group doesn't try to ditch me again. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153);">;)</span> I had fun there and would really like to go again. I'll just have to play it by ear and see how the money situation is when the time comes. The hardest part of the whole thing is going to be getting myself out of this funk I'm in. For four days I just want to forget about everything waiting for me when I return. I really don't think that is too much to ask.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-48612965966267222082008-11-23T18:13:00.000-08:002008-11-23T18:24:18.058-08:00At the AirportI'm sitting here, contemplating life. That's what I do when I'm so tired that I can barely keep my head up. I didn't get to sleep last night as early as I wanted because I remembered I hadn't checked in for my flight yet. Southwest allows check-in 24 hours in advance and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss out on group A just because I need some sleep.<div><br /></div><div>I had an overpriced <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">CPK</span> pizza and now I'm drinking an overpriced Starbucks hot chocolate wishing it was time to get on the plane. I need to be away from everything for a few days though I probably won't get away from my family much. At least I won't have to listen to angry creditors on my answering machine or receive warning letters from my credit card companies. It will all be here when I get back but the week of peace will be nice. </div><div><br /></div><div>Mom's divorce should be final tomorrow. I'm sure she'll be happy and want to celebrate. She's already got someone to celebrate with, I just hope he doesn't become husband number four. I can't watch her go through this crap again. She swears that they are just friends and going to take things slow but that's what she said about the last one and look where that got her. Oh well, I'm 3,000 miles away so I'm not going to worry about it.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've still got an hour before my flight leaves for San Diego. Not sure what I'm going to do to pass the time but I think it will require no thinking on my part. I'll just try to veg until it's my turn to board.</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-85301884182630215662008-11-23T09:58:00.001-08:002008-11-23T10:03:55.499-08:00TiredI'm at work and could fall asleep at any moment, not that anyone would notice. I have the office all to myself and there is a nice comfy gurney in the corner. We also have a keypad entry to the department that beeps when the code is being entered, so I have ample warning before someone comes in to get up off my ass and look busy. Of course I'm too tired to get up and walk over to the gurney so I'll probably just fall asleep on my laptop and send <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">incoherent</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">IM's</span> to people.<div><br /></div><div>Big Congrats to <a href="http://guinnessandpoker.blogspot.com/">Iggy</a> for making the final table in the Latin Series of Poker event in Costa Rica! I wish there was somewhere I could go for live updates when the action starts but I'll be on a plane later this evening and won't be able to check anyway. I'll just have to wait for Tweet updates. Kick some ass Iggy!</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-58602976977713795332008-11-20T21:50:00.000-08:002008-11-20T22:00:28.151-08:00Let me rephrase that...When I said I shouldn't go to Vegas I meant to add that since the non-refundable tickets and room are paid for, I will still be going. I'll just be eating off the dollar menu at <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">McD's</span> instead of Craft Steakhouse (someday I will eat there!). I'll be ordering iced tap water from the bar and not playing a whole lot of poker. Of course a big paying job could come up between now and then but right now it's not looking good so I'm going to try to save enough money for the tournament buy-in, some money to eat on the cheap, and money for the cab fare to and from the airport. Anything else will just not be possible as I can no longer use my credit cards for anything.<div><br /></div><div>Anyway, that is the much shorter and much less pathetic post I was going to put up earlier. I'll try to make my next post a little more upbeat. I'm in San Diego next week with the nephew so there should be something good to blog about. </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-9000567103080270702008-11-20T13:07:00.000-08:002008-11-20T13:16:23.741-08:00StuckThis was going to be a post about how broke I am and how I shoudn't go to Vegas but it sounded way to whiney and pathetic so I deleted it.<div><br /></div><div>How's that for my first post in over a month?</div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-87584361935097195132008-10-12T12:42:00.000-07:002008-10-12T13:01:41.978-07:00Drama, Part 2Before I get into the ridiculous thing that happened next in the story let me set-up a little background. My soon-to-be ex-step-father is a big man. He is about 6 feet tall and over 300 pounds. He was in the military and served in Iraq the first time around. He had some sort of special forces training so he is good with a gun and knows how to make explosives. Personally, I was never comfortable around him as he always carries a side arm and his mental state is questionable though it didn't always seem that way. He is on permanent disability from some sort of accident that happened in 2003 while he was a truck driver and takes so many drugs it's a wonder he isn't in a stupor most of the time. He claims he is always in pain yet he is able to unload huge bails of hay from his truck, take care of 5 horses, a bull, 3 pigs and a bunch of chickens (though "take care" is a relative terms considering the bull's stall didn't get mucked out at all last winter), and he has been building fences and chopping wood. Not bad for someone being taken care of by the state! He knows nothing about finances or budgets and got in trouble with some Internet money order scheme earlier in the year. I think the picture has been drawn sufficiently so now for the ridiculous part.<div><br /></div><div>The day after my mom's birthday I went to pay the retainer for the lawyer. I had it on good authority that my step-dad had been seen going into the courthouse that day so I mentioned it to the lawyer. She grabbed me and we walked next door to the courthouse to see if she could get some information. It turned out the asshole had filed for a protective order against abuse by my mother. This big man with special forces training was scared of my 5 foot 4 inch, never hurt a soul in her life, mother. Some of you met my mom a couple years ago in Vegas and I don't recall any of you recoiling in fear that she was going to beat the crap out of you. Seriously, how ridiculous and what a waste of the courts time.</div><div><br /></div><div>Since it was a Friday the order was granted. Apparently if you want a bogus protective order granted Friday is the day to do it. Judges don't want to take the chance of something bad happening over the weekend so they grant just about all of them. A hearing was set up for the following Friday.</div><div><br /></div><div>In the meantime my mom got upset all over again. She didn't, and still doesn't, understand why he was doing all of this. I mean, we know it was a ploy for him to keep her out of the house but still, a protective order??? I was back in California by the time the hearing happened and the order was thrown out. My step-father was told he could remain in the house and my mom had made up a list of the items she wanted from the house and the judge said she had until November 1st to set up a time to get the stuff. Of course my step father interpreted the order to mean that he could pick the day and time regardless of whether it was convenient for my mother. That day and time turned out to be 2pm EST today. Wait until you hear what happened with that.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9232295.post-21154125729312194862008-10-11T10:31:00.000-07:002008-10-11T10:51:19.134-07:00Drama, Part OneI've been back from Maine for 2 weeks and in that time I've had a sinus infection and a bad <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">allergic</span> reaction to not one, but 2 drugs. This is all just part of the joy of being me I guess.<div><br /></div><div>I went to Maine to deal with what I called a family emergency. It was more like family drama but no one looks at you funny when you say "emergency" they just assume someone is dieing and leave you alone. </div><div><br /></div><div>It all started on <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">September</span> 12<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">th</span> when I got a text from my mom telling me to call her. When I eventually got through she was extremely upset. It seems my jackass of a step-father had her served with divorce papers while she was at work. Let's forget about how <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">humiliating</span> that is for a second, she was completely blindsided. I'm not exactly sure how the next few hours played out but she ended up going home to find that the bastard had changed the locks on the door. She had been locked out of her own house. He did let her in to get some clothes but he basically kicked her out with no money and no where to go.</div><div><br /></div><div>I spent the next hour trying to talk my mom down off a ledge. She was being hysterical and unreasonable and scaring the crap out of me. The second she suggested disappearing I knew I had to get on a plane. I set her up in a hotel for the night and got on the red eye to Portland. </div><div><br /></div><div>When I got off the plane I took one look at my mom and thought for sure someone had died while I was in the air. She looked devastated and when she hugged me I didn't think she was going to let go. There was a lot of crying over the next few days as well as a visit to the house to pick up more stuff. I resisted the urge to kill the bastard, since he carries a side arm with him at all times, and did my best to keep my mom from doing anything stupid.</div><div><br /></div><div>I helped my mom hire a lawyer and set her up to live with my grandmother, her ex-mother in law. My grandmother has always liked her better than my step-mother so she had no problem taking my mom in. My mom also has her dog Toffee that she took from the bastard so I was comfortable with the set up. My mom had a birthday while I was there and we had a small celebration for that. Things were looking up when the asshole went and did the most ridiculous thing ever.....</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Aprilhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11716915973461685379noreply@blogger.com0