Thursday, July 19, 2007

What to do???

For those who don't know, the job I left the hospital for, the one at the Internet start-up, failed at the end of May. Since then I have been doing Customer Service Evaluations (fancy name for Secret Shopping). I'm having a lot of fun but the money comes in really slowly and I'm barely getting my bills paid. Today I had an interview for a job I would really, really enjoy. As a matter of fact, the job is mine if I want it. Problem is, it is way below my pay and skill level. I would have to continue the secret shopping but I really enjoy that so I'm okay with it.

The other option is to go back to the hospital and work primarily on weekends. I would make at least twice the money I am being offered at the "low pay" job and still have most of the week available to do the shopping gig. Problem is, it is the job I spent 5 years trying to leave due to an employee I don't get along with. If I took this job I would hardly ever work with her but her essence is always there and just thinking about being in the same building as her, even if our paths never cross, stresses me out.

Then there is the new, brick and mortar start-up, that my boss from the failed start-up is working at. This one has a much better chance of making it and the salary would probably be more than I have ever made at any job in the past. It would be new and interesting but also a lot of hard work. I would also be able to stop paying COBRA for my medical which would free up even more money. It will be at least another month or two until I would be hired so I still need to do something more substantial for income but I wouldn't want to accept "low pay" job and then turn around and leave them in a couple of months. They made it clear that they want me around for a while if I accept the job. I could go back to the hospital and leave in a couple of months as they are only hiring me per Diem anyway. Plus, I'm not really looking to go back there permanently but that doesn't seem quite right to me either. I'm not sure what to do at this point.

I don't know if the decision would be that difficult for most people. Either take the job that pays the most or take the one that is the most fun unless you can find one that is both fun and pays well, then take that one. For me, I have to also figure out which is going to be most conducive to my depression. Which choice won't make it worse. I deal with depression every day and never know how anything is going to affect me until I'm right in the middle of it. The job that I would enjoy the most may not be challenging enough but the one that pays the most may be a lot of hard work and too challenging. Both scenarios could make the depression worse. I won't know until I pick one. My only chance is if my brain suddenly clears and I have an epiphany. It happens, but not very often. I really don't know what to do.

So, anyone got an opinion to share or some words of wisdom? Any and all advice will be much appreciated.

Friday, July 13, 2007

What I Want

I know, it's been ages since I've written anything. I don't even know if anyone actually reads this anymore but there is a reason I haven't been writing. Like my twin, I got caunght up in what I thought this blog should be and not what I wanted it to be. I never promised this blog would be entirely about poker and I never promised it would always be a nice happy blog. Truth is, I started feeling like I couldn't write about what I wanted to write about. I felt like I needed to please others instead of myself. It's the story of my life really, but that's another post for another day.

Back in December, I had a conversation that left me feeling like I couldn't write about the deep, dark stuff anymore. Basically this person said that some of my posts seemed a little too personal and dark and that maybe I didn't need to publish everything I wrote. So, I stopped writing about the things I wanted to write about and eventually stopped writing almost completely. The dark stuff is part of me and this blog is my way to vent. If I can't vent about the bad parts of my life, then what's the point?

The thing is, this is my blog and I need to be able to write whatever I want without worrying how others are going to react. So, here's the deal, if you start reading something and it turns you off, stop reading it. If you read something and it worries you, send me an e-mail, IM me, or give me a call. I'll either reassure you or cry on your shoulder but I'm not going to sugarcoat my life just because it may make some people uncomfortable.

Does this mean I'm going to write more often? I have no idea but when I do write, it's going to be about whatever is on my mind, good, bad, or ugly.