Thursday, July 20, 2006


I've been having some weird dreams lately. Most are probably medication induced and I rarely remember much when I wake up but I do know there have been some crazy ones. Honestly, I don't mind so much. If I'm going to be dreaming I would rather it be something unrealistic or fantasy like. I wake up in a much better mood.

Take, for instance, the George Clooney dream I had last month. I'm not going into details but, in the dream, George was kind enough to say and do all the right things. It was a fun dream and when I woke up I was in a good mood because it was entertaining. There is absolutely no chance of any part of this dream ever coming true so I can enjoy it for what it is, pure fantasy. If I had it my way all my dreams would either be cast with complete unknowns or famous celebrities whom I will never meet let alone have any kind of relationship with. Seriously, dreams staring Clooney, Phil Gordon, or Starbuck from the new Battlestar Gallactica (did I just put that in writing?) are much easier to deal with than dreams like the one I had last night.

First a flashback. Picture it, I'm in high school and totally in love with this guy who is completely unavailable to me. We've all been there, falling for someone who is either married, in a relationship, just not interested in "that way", or, my personal favorite, gay. In this case, we were friends but he just has no interest in anything more. I started dreaming about him almost every night and woke up every morning feeling sad and alone. I knew that, no matter how much I wanted those dreams to come true, it wasn't going to happen. I had to go to school every day and see him. It fucking sucked, but not seeing him was almost as bad. All the dreams really did was keep me attached to him for a lot longer than I probably would have otherwise. The dreams gave me hope and kept the feelings alive. Again, it fucking sucked.

Fast forward to last night/early this morning when the new Mr. Unavailable (pick your own reason why he is unavailable because I'm not sharing that information) wanders into my dreams for the first time. I wasn't expecting it and I couldn't stop it. He said all the right things and I woke up feeling sad and alone. The sadness stayed with me most of the day but also caused me to really think about everything I've said in this post plus a lot that will probably remain unwritten, at least for now. One of the things that feeds my depression is the lack of a relationship in my life. Someone to really be there when things turn to shit and help me climb out of the pit. When I start dreaming of someone I know pulling me out or being there for me I would much rather stay in the dream because waking up feels like a punch in the stomach. They aren't really there and probably won't be, at least not in that way. Then I start to think that all I'm going to have are these dreams and there is never going to be anyone there. It just snowballs from there and every dream after just makes things worse.

I don't know that I really have a conclusion to this post. I'm still pondering things and wondering where this whole thing is going. Is it a familiar destination and should I jump off the boat now or should I hang in there because, just beyond the horizon, there will be something new? I think the answer will probably come while I'm asleep, I just hope I remember it when I wake up.

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