Sunday, May 28, 2006

What the???

Phil Helmuth in commercials with the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus, isn't that a sign that the world is coming to an end? And speaking of Phil, anyone else eagerly anticipating the train wreck that will occur with him hosting Celebrity Poker Showdown? Another one of the seven signs, I'm sure.

Speaking of train wrecks, that's what my life has felt like most of this year. I suppose most of my life has been spent dodging the train. I don't remember a time where I have been really happy although there have been some short periods of joy here and there. Happiness has been like a mirage off in the distance, when I finally think I'm going to reach it, it disappears. There was an incident in early February that nearly put me over the edge. Things were probably worse than my darkest days in high school but I stayed away from the bad poetry this time and suffered in silence.

I've spent most of my life telling people what they wanted to hear, often to my own detriment. Any time anyone tried to confront me I simply said all the right things to get them off my back and went firmly back into my own state of denial. I must have been convincing because it worked every time. Of course, a lot of the time, people don't want to believe the worst so they will accept the lies and push the doubt out of their minds.

It's funny because the one person I finally came clean with, probably has known the longest that I have a problem. Actually, there are probably people who know but don't want to know so they have never hinted at anything around me but, I digress. When I went to see my doctor in March she knew something was very wrong but she waited for the words to come out of my mouth. I told her about the "incident" and that, since I was off the migraine meds that just so happened to help my state of denial, I was really having a hard time. I told her that I have suffered from depression since I was at least 13 and I was in a really bad place. I expected some sort of reaction when I said the word "depression" but she just looked me in the eye and said "I know".

It was so freeing to say it out loud but I wasn't jumping for joy at the prospect of others finding out. Most of my family aren't the type that really believe in things like depression. It's the whole "you have a roof over your head and food on the table, what do you have to be depressed about?", mentality. So, I've stayed silent, until now.

Although I don't see myself saying anything to my family anytime soon I felt the need to speak up and share with those I've come to know over the past year. Many of you have helped me without even knowing it over the past few months and I thank you. Sometimes just logging on and having someone be there is enough.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


For the first time ever the team I wanted to win The Amazing Race from day one, actually won the damn thing! That's all I'll say since it's not over on the west coast yet, but it put a happy end to my day since my hockey team hasn't faired so well.

That's right, the Sharks are done for the season. I knew going into tonight's game that they were probably not going to win. I just know the team well enough to know that they didn't have it in these last couple of games and weren't going to get it together in time to make a comeback. It sucks but there is always next season. I don't think I've ever been so calm during a playoff game but I've had a few days to come to terms with what I knew was going to happen and I was at peace with that. Frustrated, but peacefully frustrated.

I haven't had anymore weird dreams but that's probably because I've been so fucking exhausted. I've worked more hours this week than I normally do, plus I have had to go in earlier than normal, so I am wiped out by the end of the day. At least I'll have some money to take to Vegas with me in July.

Speaking of Vegas, I have reservations at the Excalibur for July 6th through the 11th and I'll once again be rooming with the Hella Cool Shelly. Now I just need to get my ass in gear and make the plane reservations. Is it July yet!!

Monday, May 15, 2006

Trying Something New

So, this hasn't been much of a blog lately. I could give a hundred different reasons why I haven't been writing but, seriously, who wants to read that? Instead, I'm just going to write. As a matter of fact, I'm going to try to write something every day this week. It may not be about poker and it may not have a point but I am going to make myself write anyway. Read at your own risk.

I've had some very weird dreams lately. They have been the kind of dreams that seem more like memories except they are so absurd I know they aren't. Take last night for example. I dreamed I was in a port-a-potty. This potty was on the edge of a very wet and muddy hill. While I was in there doing my business, part of the hill gave way and the potty started sliding down the hill towards a busy freeway. Somehow I managed to get the thing to turn away from the freeway but it was quite a freaky ride and I don't think I'll ever be able to go near a port-a-potty again. At least not without remembering this dream and laughing my ass off.

Until next time, tell me about your weird dreams.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I'm Back!

I realize most of you didn't even know I was gone but I was and now I have returned. I was on vacation back east and spent over two weeks visiting family. I now need a vacation from my vacation. Oh well, such is life with my relatives. I came back with a story or two and will try to get them posted once I've caught up on a few things, including all the blogs I didn't read while I was gone.

Until next time.....pretend you actually noticed I was gone and let me know if I missed anything important.