Sunday, May 28, 2006

What the???

Phil Helmuth in commercials with the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus, isn't that a sign that the world is coming to an end? And speaking of Phil, anyone else eagerly anticipating the train wreck that will occur with him hosting Celebrity Poker Showdown? Another one of the seven signs, I'm sure.

Speaking of train wrecks, that's what my life has felt like most of this year. I suppose most of my life has been spent dodging the train. I don't remember a time where I have been really happy although there have been some short periods of joy here and there. Happiness has been like a mirage off in the distance, when I finally think I'm going to reach it, it disappears. There was an incident in early February that nearly put me over the edge. Things were probably worse than my darkest days in high school but I stayed away from the bad poetry this time and suffered in silence.

I've spent most of my life telling people what they wanted to hear, often to my own detriment. Any time anyone tried to confront me I simply said all the right things to get them off my back and went firmly back into my own state of denial. I must have been convincing because it worked every time. Of course, a lot of the time, people don't want to believe the worst so they will accept the lies and push the doubt out of their minds.

It's funny because the one person I finally came clean with, probably has known the longest that I have a problem. Actually, there are probably people who know but don't want to know so they have never hinted at anything around me but, I digress. When I went to see my doctor in March she knew something was very wrong but she waited for the words to come out of my mouth. I told her about the "incident" and that, since I was off the migraine meds that just so happened to help my state of denial, I was really having a hard time. I told her that I have suffered from depression since I was at least 13 and I was in a really bad place. I expected some sort of reaction when I said the word "depression" but she just looked me in the eye and said "I know".

It was so freeing to say it out loud but I wasn't jumping for joy at the prospect of others finding out. Most of my family aren't the type that really believe in things like depression. It's the whole "you have a roof over your head and food on the table, what do you have to be depressed about?", mentality. So, I've stayed silent, until now.

Although I don't see myself saying anything to my family anytime soon I felt the need to speak up and share with those I've come to know over the past year. Many of you have helped me without even knowing it over the past few months and I thank you. Sometimes just logging on and having someone be there is enough.

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