Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don't

I have been in Maine for almost 2 months and I'm starting to wonder if I am ever really going to get to go back home to California.

For those who don't know, my grandmother had a serious fall in March breaking both wrists. She had surgery and I was sent home to take care of her until she could get back on her feet. Since my 20th high school reunion is coming up in July, I figured I would stay until August and attend the reunion as well as a couple of family weddings. Honestly, I figured my grandmother would be back to normal, or at least able to care for herself, by the end of June and I would get some relaxation time before returning to my jobless, car-less, life in California.

My grandmother has been great. She is constantly telling people how she doesn't know what she would have done if I hadn't come home and reminds me every day that she appreciates my being here. Her progress has been good. Her left hand works better than the right so she is adjusting to be left handed. Unfortunately, she had another fall yesterday and cracked two ribs. I keep trying to tell myself that she is just off balance because of the splints but the truth is, she has been unsteady on her feet for a while. In November she had a serious fall on the escalator in the Philly airport, and when she was visiting California at Thanksgiving we were constantly reminding her to focus on what she was doing as she gets distracted easily and starts stumbling around. I honestly don't know if she can live on her own anymore and I'm wondering what that means for me.

I knew the day would come when I would have to move back to Maine to take care of her but, as my life in California has become more full, the more I was hoping that day would never come. I know that comes off as selfish but I like my life in California, with the exception of my unemployment, and it was hard for me to leave it behind even for the few months I thought I would be gone. The thought of being here beyond the summer makes me sad. I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss my life. This isn't where I want to be but I can't not be here if my grandmother needs me. Basically, I think I am screwed and I'm not sure what I am going to do about it.