Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Damned if I Do, Damned if I Don't

I have been in Maine for almost 2 months and I'm starting to wonder if I am ever really going to get to go back home to California.

For those who don't know, my grandmother had a serious fall in March breaking both wrists. She had surgery and I was sent home to take care of her until she could get back on her feet. Since my 20th high school reunion is coming up in July, I figured I would stay until August and attend the reunion as well as a couple of family weddings. Honestly, I figured my grandmother would be back to normal, or at least able to care for herself, by the end of June and I would get some relaxation time before returning to my jobless, car-less, life in California.

My grandmother has been great. She is constantly telling people how she doesn't know what she would have done if I hadn't come home and reminds me every day that she appreciates my being here. Her progress has been good. Her left hand works better than the right so she is adjusting to be left handed. Unfortunately, she had another fall yesterday and cracked two ribs. I keep trying to tell myself that she is just off balance because of the splints but the truth is, she has been unsteady on her feet for a while. In November she had a serious fall on the escalator in the Philly airport, and when she was visiting California at Thanksgiving we were constantly reminding her to focus on what she was doing as she gets distracted easily and starts stumbling around. I honestly don't know if she can live on her own anymore and I'm wondering what that means for me.

I knew the day would come when I would have to move back to Maine to take care of her but, as my life in California has become more full, the more I was hoping that day would never come. I know that comes off as selfish but I like my life in California, with the exception of my unemployment, and it was hard for me to leave it behind even for the few months I thought I would be gone. The thought of being here beyond the summer makes me sad. I miss my friends, I miss my cats, and I miss my life. This isn't where I want to be but I can't not be here if my grandmother needs me. Basically, I think I am screwed and I'm not sure what I am going to do about it.


The Bracelet said...

Even though it doesn't seem like it now, being there for your grandmother is something that 10 or 20 years from now you'll be so ridiculously thankful for that you might not be able to put it into words.

Family and friends in time of need are worth more than cats and beds and routine any day. Sucks now, but you'll be really glad you did it later.

And because I'm selfish, I now blog at

Go there for a laugh or an escape but mostly so I can feel good about myself that statcounter shows I'm popular.


StB said...

Bobby said it all. Its a small sacrifice that you will be happy about many years from now. Especially after you get your grandma a wheelchair. Heck, sounds like she falls more than Otis.

SirFWALGMan said...

I would like to offer the counter argument to Bobby;s.. Two Words: Pillow Face. 'Nuff said.

Seriously sounds like a tough situations. Hope you think it through and come up with a good solution that works for both of you.

I do not think it is "selfish" to have your own life and want to live it.

peacecorn said...

You're a good person, April and you're going to do the right thing by being there for family. As Bobby said, years from now you will be so thankful for this time.

And it's okay to miss your California life. Missing it doesn't make you selfish, it makes you human.

Now, do I need start calling you MEApril?

California April said...

Thank you all for the support. Still a few options to look into before a decision is made but I don't know that they will be acceptable.

As for changing to MEApril, never! My heart is and always will be in California even if my body isn't.

Maura said...

I think you know I understand how you feel. Aside from the moving states part, I've been there.

It is hard and it is a sacrifice, even when you don't want to think of it as a sacrifice because you don't want to feel selfish for feeling that way. But, to echo what someone else said, it's not selfish, it's human.

Depression complicates things, I know that, too. The only advice I can offer is to focus on one thing at a time and try to take it as it comes, instead of getting overwhelmed by the big picture and the "what ifs."

Hang in there. CA will be here when you get back. ;-)

April said...

I know leaving here sucks (especially since I just got here!!) but try to think of how you'll feel later on down the road in the life when you're able to look back and know that you did the right thing by your grandmother and took care of her. You'll always be able to know that you made her life better. It sucks at the time, but it's a pretty awesome thing to do for someone. And who knows what experiences you could have in Maine?

Hang in there. I know it's tough.